Awkard is Awesome??

I yearn to go and take you places you and I have never been before. With a group of friends, or just you and I, we could explore the depths of every place we’ve only imagined. We could leave immediately. How much money do you really think you need? I want to talk about this; but it seems your too busy. And you are, no doubt. But, I think this is important. Why? Because it is important to me. I crave for something that I don’t have and I don’t know what it is but I do want you to come with me to find out. Please, won’t you come with me?

I feel as though I have been waiting my whole life to discover myself. Each day I search and I constantly think. My life is good and I am happy but something is missing and it isn’t you. I have you. It isn’t money, I don’t care for money. It isn’t in material form–no clothes or purse or television could bring me what I need.

But what will happen? One thing will lead to the next which will turn into something else and I will be stuck here. Sometimes I think of my feet as if there are literally stuck. Like gum or some nasty gunk I stepped in has permanantly adhereed my feet to the ground and I will constantly be forced to stare at the same things I’ve always seen. Then it becomes sad for me. This isn’t like I am continuously asked to sit in the 7th grade. That might even be fun. No, this isn’t fun. This is work and I don’t want to work. I want to be free. I want to the feel the breeze under my wings and I want to fly out of here. Tell me why the caged bird sings please, I want to know.
Yet, it all doesn’t seem so real anyway.

My problems melt away like butter when I focus on my friends and my family and my love for Philadelphia.
But my eyes well up when I realize how much has changed and how much I have not.
I am still the same.
I am so different yet I am still the same.
I still have the same hopes and dreams I had when I was 8. I still like reeboks, leggings and sweat shirts. I still think of the same people as my best friends and I miss the ones I don’t talk to or just can’t communicate with anymore.
I try to communicate to myself certain ideals and place myself in a mentality in which I ought to be–a positive, self-fulfilling happy sate of mind. I push away the waves of negativity and hold tight to the dock as the waves crash over me. My fingers slowly slipping from the grip of the guard rail, I at times feel I could fall overboard into a sea of sadness.
But no. I shut, no, I slam the door on thoughts such as these and BANISH them from my brain.
I yearn to smell the sea. I miss the sound of seagulls in the winter and cold ocean water on my feet.

The winter corners me into a room of loneliness but the spring always saves me just in time.
What will I do and what is to become of me?
At times I feel I could give up but I’m not sure what I’d be letting go of and what I’d have if I held on.

Where does the shore go in the wintertime?